If your family tree doesn’t have any branches, vote Mitt Romney

As an Australian white collar family of academics, I honestly have no idea why my parents played Jeff Foxworthy stand-up comedy on every single car trip we took during the early 90’s. Nonetheless, when inebriated and in a confined space, my brothers and I can recite, almost word for word, every line of the Jeff Foxworthy, “You Might Be A Redneck” cassette.

Despite my love for his self-deprecating style of humour I mother-flipping hate the fact that Jeff Foxworthy, the man who made car trips with three brothers and a farting beagle bearable, has endorsed Mitt Romney.

Nonetheless, in honour of this love-hate cognitive dissonance relationship I now hold with Foxworthy, I thought I’d reword a few of his best redneck jokes to fit with a Romney endorsement… and I feel justified considering Romney’s voting demographic.

“If your family tree doesn’t have any branches, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you go to family reunions to pick up women, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever shot a concrete deer, taken it home and marinated it for weeks before declaring it inedible, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever cut your grass and found a car, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you think, ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren’t, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If your mother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling monkeys, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever financed a tattoo, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If your front porch collapses and more than five dogs are killed, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If your gene pool doesn’t have a deep end, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you come back from the garbage tip with more stuff than you went with, vote Mitt Romney…”

There are hundreds more, but those are some of my favourites… and fat jokes wouldn’t work in this context. Feel welcome to add your own!

Jake is @JakeFarrWharton on Twitter and the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book that takes the specific claims made by the most prominent Christian Leaders and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindleOr if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Christian Fundamentalists Perpetrate Mass Santa Genocide For Being ‘Idolaters’

American Fundamentalist Christians have perpetrated a mass genocide of Santa lookalikes after a coalition of Christians reread the Ten Commandments finding God outlawed such idolatry.

Tens of thousands of Americans are dead and scores injured were when members of the world’s largest Christian organisation The Coalition Of Christian American Bigots (COCAB) were directed to exterminate all Santa lookalikes. COCAB discovered that the Old Testament of the bible expressly outlawed Santa Claus style idolatry and ordered their members to each find a Santa and “do what needed to be done”.

Chief Pastor of COCAB Jerry Fallgood said that once the scriptures had been interpreted, they had no choice but to take drastic action. Fallgood, who has gone into hiding, released a pre-recorded video message to Fox News this morning.

“Either we kill all the children who believe in Santa, and all the parents who reinforce this disgusting myth, or we kill all the Santa Claus impersonators across the country.

“We thought that killing Santa would be easier than killing Children because most people who play Santa can’t run, on account of their crippling diabetes and gout,” he said.

Fallgood, who is thought to be hiding in Pakistan, also called for the release of any members of his Christian organisation who were arrested following the Santa killings.

“You shouldn’t think of what we did as “traditional murder.”

“What we did was clearly commanded by God in the bible, and given that we live in a Christian nation, we were doing God’s work,” he said.

But US President Barak Obama has officially declared the Santa killings a terrorist act and has officially renounced his long standing affiliation with COCAB.

“Many people have questioned the level of access that Jerry Fallgood and COCAB had to me. I would like to assure the American people that like all politicians, I didn’t listen to Fallgood unless he had money. And even when he had money, I didn’t really listen,” said President Obama in a passionate speech this morning. You can rest assured that we will hunt this man down.

“Furthermore, I have declared these acts that of a terrorist organisation, and, given the severity of the offences, I intend to legally change all suspects’ races to Mexican and have them tried in Arizona.”

President Obama has also called a special meeting of congress to officially remove any reference to Christianity or God from US money, the supreme courts and has demanded a literal wall of separation between church and state be erected.

Catholic League president Bill Donahue spoke about the actions of COCAB, denouncing them as un-Christian.

“Being a Christian used to mean something positive. It used to mean that you had the right, nay, the privilege, to discriminate against all non-Christians in the same way that White people used to discriminate against non-Whites. It used to mean that when you flipped a coin, there was a 50 per cent chance that it’d come up heads, because God was on your side.

“I remember the days when priests and pastors would encourage their congregants to read their bibles with a full understanding that they never would. The fact that some rednecks read the bible was astounding to all of us, but they clearly had no business trying to interpret the sacred scriptures. That is why we have a Pope, after all,” said Donahue.

Despite the plea from Fallgood, all suspects have been sent to Guantanamo Bay for prolonged enhanced interrogation until their trials.

Disclaimer: This is a satire/parody editorial and is not to be taken literally… unless it actually happens, in which case, please ignore this disclaimer and consider this Breaking News! 

Subscribe to the mother-flipping show via iTunes (we’re on all major podcasting aggregators) here.

Peace and love.

Jake.

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindleOr if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Episode 69 – American Atheists Dave Silverman and a cigar…

Dave Silverman from the American Atheists (www.atheists.org) joins Jake and Gregg to talk religion, science, politics, rationality and The Reason Rally in 2012. Dave also says some stuff… really riske` stuff… and I think I want to go to The Reason Rally 2012!!!

Watch here:

Download MP3 here.

Subscribe to the mother-flipping show via iTunes (we’re on all major podcasting aggregators) here.

Peace and love.

Jake.

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindleOr if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Episode 57 – And boom goes the dynamite!

Dear Double Rainbows,

Taurus: This week you tell your boss that you’ll give 110%… you really are a shitty accountant!

Leo: Venison is not only a more intense flavour than beef, it has the added advantage of making kids cry when you tell them they’re eating bambi…

This week we talk Swedish atom splitters, no Burkas in Italy, longevity amongst the Jewish, world wide economic melt down perpetrated by the GOP and Tea Party, the WTC Cross and Jake’s hairy legs.

Listen here:

Download mp3 here.

Masticate in public, everybody’s doing it!

Jake.

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindleOr if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Imaginary Friends Show vs Westboro Baptist Church

Dear Fag Enablers,

Here is the long awaited interview with Ben Phelps, grandson of Pastor Fred Phelps, the homophobic, anti-Semitic, bigot from the Westboro Baptist “God Hates Fags” church from Topeka, Kansas.

After this interview, I feel sorry for the guy. He’s clearly intelligent and were it not for his indoctrination into such a horribly bigoted cult, he’d be a guy I’d have a beer with… then, you know, like… whatever.

Watch/listen here (wait to load):

Download mp3 here.

Subscribe on iTunes here.

Go masticate in public!

Jake.

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindleOr if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Episode 53 – Brought To You By Preparation H and God!


Dear Petulant Miscreants,

While narrowly escaping a building fire that I accidentally deliberately started, I discovered that the 53rd ImaginaryFriendsShow.com Podcast was alive! How about that shit!

This episode we talk drug testing for people on welfare, ‘real life’ exorcisms, the Vatican is back in the black, and the Christian proselytising rules handbook. Also, Pete Darwin and I talk all things Botulism.

Later this week we’ll have a full, episode length, interview with a representative from the Westboro Baptist (“God Hates Fags”) Church, so keep an eye out for it!

Watch/listen here:

Download MP3 here.

Subscribe on iTunes here.

Go masticate in public!

Jake.

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindleOr if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Scientists Reluctantly Confirms End of World Predictions for May 21st

Seismological data collated today suggests that solar neutrinos are acting in a way that they’ve never observably done before. They’re interacting with solid matter and creating a form of friction.

The result is that the core of the earth is quickly heating and dissolving the mantle containing the liquid iron core of the earth. Eventually (i.e. within only a few short days) the earth’s crust disintegrate and everyone and everything will die.

“There is not a geophysicist or astrophysicist alive today who would have expected that solar neutrinos, which are the incorporeal particles which result from fusion of hydrogen atoms, could interact with solid matter in such a way. Neutrinos mainly only interact with some radioactive isotopes, robbing them of their spare neutrons, which is ultimately how we detect them. The fact that they are heating the mantle of the earth means that we’re all doomed… I’d say that May 21st is the day we’ll all die from the resulting cataclysm,” said Professor Marney Gittman, head theologian at Hoovard University.

So, there you have it folks, the world is coming to an end on May the 21st, supporting the Evangelical Christian group who predicted that the world would end on May the 21st.

The question is, what will you do now? Some suggest killing those pesky kids who’ve been walking on your segment of the sidewalk on their way home from school and making sweet rape to your neighbourhood Presbyterian woman. Alternatively, you can ignore the warning and go about your life as you normally would.

Nonetheless, regardless of what you decide to do, do it soon because the end is neigh. Or, it isn’t. But probably is. Maybe.

Should we legalise Christianity?

There has been a lot of talk recently, in our delightfully secular society, about the legalization of one of the world’s oldest forms of introspective perversion; Christianity.

Prior to entering the discussion on the legalization of Christianity, however, we should discuss how we got to this point.

Indeed, gone are the days when religion covertly pulled the strings of leverage behind the political machine, and less covertly, as priests, pastors and clerics told their congregations exactly who they would vote for, whilst demonizing the opposition.

Religion, as you may recall, was effectively neutered in the public sphere following the landmark study by a coalition of the world’s finest universities, which linked public declarations of religious belief to the astoundingly rapid decline in economic performance, intelligence quotients and breathable air.

After all, as the study found, “why would you care about the air or economy of tomorrow when your respective deity, penned in your respective holy book, expressly told you that the world is yours to do as you please?”

The study also found the following on intelligence, “when you’re taught from childhood that it is more important to believe in supernatural feats in direct spite of contrary evidence, than to trust in the empirical findings of scientific egg-heads, and subsequently punished for doubting the lack of evidence for human propagation from two white individuals in a garden, why study?”

Rather astoundingly, the level of ignorance towards scientific consensus was so prevalent at one point that the then Republican Party (and many ‘socially conservative political parties around the world) was made up, almost entirely, of individuals who believed that the fact of climate change was “just a myth”. This same group of people sought to remove the reproductive rights of women, forcing them to give birth to children they didn’t want – many of whom ended up in orphanages – whilst simultaneously stifling any attempt to promote sex education in schools and the use of condoms.

You may also remember the occasion where the Pope, a man who had personally enabled child abuse, entered Africa, a continent ravaged by sexually transmitted diseases, and told the people that condoms, which have an efficacy of preventing STIs above 98%, should not be used.

The final and some say the most salient finding of the study, uncovered a startling fact which we all now hold to be ‘common sense’ – “religion is responsible for the degradation of society, of morals and will lead to the ultimate destruction of humanity.”

Immediately upon the release, the governments who had not been effected by the degradation of intelligence began imposing laws to counter the overwhelming problem. Among them;

  • All public policy was required to have empirical evidence supporting it;
  • All schools were required to teach fact based curriculum, including a thorough reproductive and sexual education component;
  • It was made illegal for religious instruction to take place prior to the age of 21, when the adult could critically analyze the claims;
  • All religious institutions were taxed as the corporations they were found to be;
  • All public declarations of belief, prayer and superstition based holidays were replaced with public appreciation of science, fundraising for medical research and government sanctioned family days.

The most important policy, as you may recall, was that religions be treated as the blight that they apparently were. Immediately, adherents in left their religion in droves, many exclaiming, “I was taught that being non-religious meant that you’d go to hell, but it turns out that the teaching and hell were just convenient lies to keep me in the pews.”

Of course, religion was not outlawed altogether, and people were welcome to their beliefs, regardless of how ridiculous they happened to be. As such, religion and loose ambivalent belief in ‘something’ remained in the public consciousness, but not in public. Belief became private and disorganized; for one’s own confidential philosophical musings, rather than for public display.

Now to the current problem facing society.

For some time now, the remaining adherents of Christianity have been segregating themselves from the greater society; succeeding from their countries of birth to form pseudo-nations called Christian Nations of Christianity. Here, they can publicly believe in their religion and teach their children what they call “Truth”, despite the actual presence of any truth. As a result of their separation and beliefs, however, they are not allowed to make any policy or actions which would affect anyone outside of their Nations.

Now, due to the spiraling rate of Christian on Christian crime – which incidentally proves the old adage that “belief in god ain’t ever stopped no one from murderin’” – the annexed Christians want to rejoin the countries that their forefathers left behind.

While our secular societies are objectively more accepting than the previous quasi and semi-secular societies, critics fear that it will, inevitably lead to mixed marriages between secularists and Christians, forcing a reinterpretation of the marriage acts.

What critics really fear, however, is that the defectors of the Christian Nations of Christians will have children in our secular nations, and be thereby legally able to run for politics. These “anchor babies” could indeed lead to a reformation of nonsensical values which our society did away with, long, long ago.

This reporter worries that given the Christian Nations of Christians’ focus on maintaining wealth for the wealthy at the expense of education and healthcare for the lower classes as sited in their policy entitled, “making the well off feel more comfortable”, the defectors would quickly become a burden on society. Their propensity to forego fact in place of faith means that their relative education levels would make them suitable for menial tasks, i.e. the jobs reserved for helping reformed prisoners reintegrate to the greater society.

What do you think? Should Christianity be again legalized in our prosperous secular societies?