For the past two thousand years, anecdote, allegory and allusion have reigned supreme and have been perfectly adequate for literally billions of people to covert to, or be indoctrinated into, the myriad sects of Christianity.
The reward of heaven, the threat of hell; shucks! Why would you need more than that to convert your ass to a religion that rewards faith over substance? After all, don’t forget what Jesus said;
“But these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slay them in my presence.” Luke 19:27.
Oh, sorry, wrong quote… what I meant to say was;
“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”” John 14:6.
There you have it. The only way to get into heaven and the hell away from hell, which I assume Jesus created because there’s no heaven or hell in the Old Testament, is through Jesus. And, as we all know, Jesus told his disciples;
“Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all things take place.” Luke 21:32.
And;
“And Jesus was saying to them, “Truly I say to you, there are some of those who are standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God after it has come with power.”” Mark 9:1.
I mean, sure, they all endured horribly torturous deaths. And sure, none of them ascended to heaven prior to their deaths… but that doesn’t mean that Jesus lied! The disciples probably said something mean, like, “Jesus on a stick, this motza soup is hot!”
After all, Jesus did say;
“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:6.
I mean, sure, he also said;
“And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.” Mark 9:47.
So the disciple could have just plucked his tongue out and then Jesus would have come back to pick up the disciple anyway… so, hmm. Well, I’d better not think too much about that, I darn heck buttocks sure don’t want to go to hell! Unlike you, apparently!
Furthermore, if you don’t convert, it’s not my fault; I told you everything that you should need to know in order to accept Jesus into the velvety folds of your heart (the metaphorical one, not the vital, blood-pumping one controlled by the hypothalamus)! So if you decide not to convert and be ‘born again’, then it’s not my fault!
You didn’t convert because there’s something wrong with you! Say, you’re not one of those homosexual-gay’s are you?
You know what? In the great words of a man with an orang-utan on his head, if you want me to follow Jesus, show me his long-form birth certificate, death certificate… and resurrection certificate!
Jake is the author of, “Letters to Christian Leaders – Hollow be thy claims”. Check it out here for your sexy kindle. Or for those who prefer the authentic smell of a newly printed book over the soulless machinations of the kindle, check out the print edition here. ***WARNING*** This book is so hot, it may impregnate your fingers as you read!
