An interesting and utterly hilarious study, conducted by Focus, a UK magazine, has found that Australia is ranked number 1 in the world for committing one of the ‘seven deadly sins’ as detailed in the book of rambling desert nomads, the bible.
That’s right, Australians, when compared with the 35 other countries in the study, were ranked at the top of most of the categories, so I thought we should examine them.
Lust – Totally, we Aussies bloody love sex! But sex doesn’t sum up ‘lust’; lust is a desire best described as sexual attraction. So in order to commit this sin, you only need to look at an attractive member of the opposite or same sex and find them desirable. I’m afraid to say that everyone I’ve ever met, from every country I’ve ever visited is guilty of this crime. To say that one country ranks above another is suggests a total lack of insight into sociology and psychology.
Gluttony – Totally, Aussies love to eat and drink to excess! While 52% of Australians are clinically obese (with a Body Mass Index of over 30), this only equates to about 10-15 million Aussies (Australia’s total population c. 25 million). If you travel to the USA, over 1/3rd of Americans are morbidly obese (Body Mass Index of over 40) which equates to more than 102 MILLION FATTIES! I dare say that Australia is a drop in a rather largish ocean!
Greed – Totally, we Aussies love our possessions. But greed isn’t actually defined as ‘having lots of crap’ greed is more accurately, ‘wanting lots of crap’. If we’ve learned anything from the Global Financial Crisis, Australia was one of the few developed nations that managed to float above the oceans of debt that engulfed and just about sunk the rest of the world. Worst hit were, of course, the UK, where this study was published, and the USA, where the GFC actually originated. The GFC was the result of a greed which the strongly regulated finance sector of Australia was all but immune to.
Sloth – Totally, Aussies are f*cking lazy! Well, actually, I think that they’ve got me here. Sure I run marathons and consider myself fairly proactive in my job; I am as lazy as an old dog in the afternoon sun! You could say that we’re ambassadors for the first law of Thermodynamics, the Law of Conservation of Mass. In our defence though, in Australia, it’s either f*cking hot, or f*cking cold, so staying still is usually a pretty intelligent option.
Wrath – Revenge is a dish best served cold and we Aussies totally are a heavy handed bunch. That said, we’re mostly easy going, we just enjoy a bit of too and fro. Where else in the world could you punch your best mate in the face in one motion, then with the next order a beer for him? (Joking, we’re not all violent). In all seriousness though, we Aussies are one of the most easy going stereotypes in the civilised world. We’re far cooler than the snooty French, far more laid back than the up-tight and anal Americans, and far more relaxed than the stiff-upper-lip British.
Envy and pride – sure, whatever. Envy and pride are the most stupid of the Christian thought crimes. Both of these ‘sins’ are the at the root of most people’s motivations to do anything. We see what other people have and we want it, so we strive for it, in spite of our meagre means. Of course, we could throw in with the stupid tradition of prayer and ask for help for our mystical overlord who hasn’t done anything to further humanity since arbitrarily raping (shit, I mean impregnating through Immaculate Conception) some Jewish chick 2000 years ago.
So there you have it Nations, Australia is the most sinful nation in the world, but only because we enjoy thinking about sex whilst eating a hamburger on a couch after we saw a really sexually attractive person eating it, so we knocked them out and stole it. Whilst we knew we should have apologised, our pride got the better of us, so we just ate another hamburger instead.
In the grand scheme of things, an international campaign advertising us as the most sinful nation in the world, would, I think, go a long way to get people to come and visit. “Come to Australia, where sinning is only natural!”
Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.