For many years, several of Australia’s cities have made it into the top ten of most liveable cities in the world. Factors that gained them such placement included scenery, attitudes of the people, transportation, living costs and overall serenity.
Liveability aside, Australia is an amazing country filled with spectacular views, amazing people and sublime flora and fauna, all topped off by big red rock in the big red centre.
Unbeknownst to most people, however, is an insanely dangerous nature, just waiting to bite your face off, fill it with Chlamydia, then sew it back together, give you a deep tissue massage, and bite it off again. The below list demonstrates definitively that anyone brave enough to live in Australia is automatically awarded, “bravest *other *ucker in the *other *ucking *niverse!” The below list will reveal to you why everyone who is not Australian, should fear Australia! Finally, the below list will destroy any notions that this post’s author is a wimpy whiney non-Australian.
10: The Koala
These cuddly and majestic animals spent most of their day perched high up at the top of eucalyptus trees. Koalas eat only the leaves of a plant that is so toxic that it will kill anything that happened to ingest enough of it.
Furthermore, if you happen to walk into the territory of a bull koala during mating season, be prepared to have your face scratched off! Also, many Australian koalas have chlamydia, so don’t have sex with them!
9: We’ll eat your babies!
Marsupials are so cognisant of the danger posed to their vulnerable young, so hyperaware of the dangers of Australia, that they evolved a pouch to carry around their young for several months after birth. All the proof you’ll ever need that Australia is dangerous for infants was immortalised by a hysterical Meryl Streep who, in her poor Australian accent, sobbed “a dingo took my baby!”
Terrible acting aside, even the animals of Australia know that Australia is not safe for infants! Also, kangaroos can retract their boy-bits into their stomach cavity, so if you ever get into a fight with one, don’t go for a cheap shot… you’ll end up looking foolish.
8: We’re all convicts
Australia has the highest convict to citizen ratio at around 100:1. This is largely because Australia was the original “Pacific Solution” (a joke which only Australians will understand, which demonstrates how bad-ass that sentence was).
The only reason that Australia was originally colonised, was to house the growing prison population in Great Britain. So the original colonists got on a boat, sailed for months, just to settle a convict colony! It was literally a colony run by convicts, for convicts! As such, upon naturalisation as an Australian, you are officially dubbed a convict. That’s why Australian men are so sought-after all around the world; we’re the ultimate bad-boys-with-a-heart-of-gold-but-no-actual-gold.
7: Dangers of the shallow
So, you’re swimming around in one of the spectacular and picturesque North Queensland beaches. The pristine white sand and jungle greens behind you, the crystal clear blue in front – it is a sublimely captivating beauty, admired by all. It’s ok to swim here because the life guard said there is a shark net, which keeps all of the man-eaters out of the way, so that you can have an awesome time at the beach with your family. You’re safe, right? Wrong!
Unbeknownst to you, a tiny (smaller than a garden variety pea and wholly transparent) jellyfish called Irukandji is out fishing for prey and because you can’t see them, you’re it! Once this little blighter injects its venom into you through one of the millions of hypodermic stingers on its tiny bodies, you have less than an hour to get your booty to a hospital. Once in hospital, you’ll have to lie in a bed for 2-5 days, convulsing in agony as every single nerve in your body ignites sporadically. There is no antivenin or treatment; you’ve just got to wait until the venom leaves your body.
If you ever so much as see an Irukandji and you’re not wearing a protective suit, it’s too late!
6: Dangers of the even-shallower
So, you’ve decided not to swim in the beach for fear of sharks and Irukandji and instead opt for a far more sensible dip in a series of shallow rock pools, which drain and fill with each tide. Problem is, you’re not alone! No, lurking in the shallows with you is a deadly species of fish that desires nothing more than to destroy you and everything you stand for (especially if what you stand for is standing… on it)!
The Stonefish, so called because it looks exactly like a stone… or a really ugly baby. It does mostly nothing for most of the day, just sitting on the bottom of rock pools and around reefs, then you come along in your Speedos and zinc lip-balm and accidentally step on it. Well, the stonefish couldn’t care less what you were doing, let alone whom you were doing it with. A venomous spine from just above the head of the WORLDS DEADLIEST FISH shoots up and injects venom that’ll have you vomiting and convulsing in minutes!
5: Dangers of the even-shallower-still
So, you’re decided that the rock pools are too dangerous and have opted for finding some pretty shells out on the rocks. Finding shells in the really small rock pools should be safe, right? Wrong!
Who would have thought that one of the world’s most awesome sea creatures, the octopus, would have an Australian cousin that is only five centimetres long but is venomous enough to kill! Worse still, when it feels threatened, the blue ringed octopus’ body erupts with vivid blue rings, enough to attract even the most apathetic teenager, who only came because their parents made them!
4: Brown is Australian for danger
Throughout much of the year, Australia is brown. Brown trees, brown leaves, brown grass, brown wallabies, brown snarling-ankle-biting wombats, and worst of all, brown snakes.
Seriously, it’s hard enough to see these snakes when they’re at eye level in an enclosure at your local zoo as they’re tactful hiders and have senses so strong, that they can taste you coming (that’s right, they frigging taste you!) hundreds of meters (meters is a unit of measurement used in Australia and some other irrelevant countries like Brazil and Korea) before they ever see you.
So, you’re walking along and the camouflaged brown snake, which looks like a stick, strikes you when you accidentally step on it, even though it is laying right in the middle of the walking track (… yeah, I know, inconsiderate snake doesn’t even bother to read the signs which clearly have a human walking on the track, not a snake). Then, bam, you’re dead… in a couple of hours.
3: The king of dangerous browns
It’s bad enough that one of our deadliest killer snakes, the brown snake, will purposely lie around in the middle of a walking track, just waiting for some unsuspecting nature enthusiast to provoke them into biting them by stepping on them. Worse still is the fact that the brown snake is merely the lowly peasant version!
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the King Brown snake. These mo-fos don’t bother with the niceties of pretending to be a stick. No! If you enter their territory, they’ll hunt you down! Moreover, their venom is among the most potent in the world; you get bitten, goodbye!
2: Toadally Gross
You wouldn’t believe it (well, unless you’re Australian) but the common cane toad one of the most destructive organisms in Australia, second only to humans. It’s true; the cane toad is responsible for pushing multiples upon multiples of native species to the brink of extinction since its introduction to Australia.
The cane toad was introduced to Queensland, the sexy state, in an attempt to kill the cane beetle – another introduced species – that was devastating the sugar cane industry at the time. What the farmers at the time didn’t (but could have, if they’d not been to busy saying, “she’ll be right, mate!”) know was that the cane beetle burrows into the roots of the cane plant and the cane toad doesn’t. So, while the cane beetle munched away and with no natural predators, the cane toad set about decimating the local population of everything.
So bad-ass is the cane toad that they’re even responsible for placing the deadly King Brown snake on the list endangered animals. What’s worse is that they’re really frigging ugly!
The platypus, while being one of the lesser known Australian icons, is an amazing creature. Aside from being utterly adorable, it is an utterly fascinating animal to anyone with a primary school education and up. This is because it is as though the animal has not fully completed its time in the evolutionary deep-fryer.
The platypus is a monotreme – a mammal which lays eggs. It has a bill and webbed feet like a duck, a tail like a beaver, cute little beady eyes, both furry and cuddly and lives in burrows which are accessible only by an underwater (freshwater) cave. Both fascinating and amazingly cute!
When you’re presented with an adorable animal, which is zoologically fascinating, what do you do? You pick it up, right? Hold it like a cat and stroke it gently as it nuzzles into the nape of your neck.
Of course, that would never happen, because THE PLATYPUS HAS A FRIGGING POISONOUS SPIKE, JUST WAITING TO KILL YOU!
For more information on the above-mentioned animals and other reasons why everyone who is not Australian should fear Australia, and Australians, please consult your local library, Outback Steakhouse or Meryl Streep movie.
Jake Farr-Wharton is the host of the award winning ImaginaryFriendsShow.com Podcast, the sexiest atheist alive and is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.