As an Australian white collar family of academics, I honestly have no idea why my parents played Jeff Foxworthy stand-up comedy on every single car trip we took during the early 90’s. Nonetheless, when inebriated and in a confined space, my brothers and I can recite, almost word for word, every line of the Jeff Foxworthy, “You Might Be A Redneck” cassette.
Despite my love for his self-deprecating style of humour I mother-flipping hate the fact that Jeff Foxworthy, the man who made car trips with three brothers and a farting beagle bearable, has endorsed Mitt Romney.
Nonetheless, in honour of this love-hate cognitive dissonance relationship I now hold with Foxworthy, I thought I’d reword a few of his best redneck jokes to fit with a Romney endorsement… and I feel justified considering Romney’s voting demographic.
“If your family tree doesn’t have any branches, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you go to family reunions to pick up women, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever shot a concrete deer, taken it home and marinated it for weeks before declaring it inedible, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever cut your grass and found a car, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you think, ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren’t, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If your mother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling monkeys, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever financed a tattoo, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If your front porch collapses and more than five dogs are killed, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If your gene pool doesn’t have a deep end, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you come back from the garbage tip with more stuff than you went with, vote Mitt Romney…”
There are hundreds more, but those are some of my favourites… and fat jokes wouldn’t work in this context. Feel welcome to add your own!
Jake is @JakeFarrWharton on Twitter and the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book that takes the specific claims made by the most prominent Christian Leaders and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.
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Today, I went to the beach with my kids. I found a sea shell
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There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
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Today, while I was at work, my cousin stole my iPad and
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I know this is totally off topic but I had
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I was wondering if you ever considered changing the page layout of your
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When I look at your blog site in Ie, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some
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Do you have any suggestions on how to get listed in
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Hi! This is kind of off topic but I need some help from an established blog. Is it difficult to set up your own blog? I’m
not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast.
I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to begin.
Do you have any ideas or suggestions? With thanks
Hiya! Quick question that’s entirely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My web site looks weird when browsing from my iphone 4. I’m trying to find a theme
or plugin that might be able to resolve this issue.
If you have any suggestions, please share. Cheers!
I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest but your blogs really
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I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you design this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz respond as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where
u got this from. cheers
Amazing! This blog looks exactly like my
old one! It’s on a completely different subject but it has pretty much the same page layout and design. Wonderful choice of colors!
Hi just wanted to give you a brief heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t loading correctly.
I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in
two different web browsers and both show the same results.
Hi are using WordPress for your site platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and
set up my own. Do you need any coding knowledge to make your
own blog? Any help would be really appreciated!
Hi there this is somewhat of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to
manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding expertise so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Hi! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers? My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing many months of hard work due to no back up. Do you have any methods to stop hackers?
Hey! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be okay.
I’m undoubtedly enjoying your blog and look forward to new posts.
Hi! Do you know if they make any plugins to safeguard against hackers? I’m
kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard on. Any suggestions?
Hello there! Do you know if they make any plugins to assist with SEO? I’m trying to get my blog
to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good success. If you know of any please share. Cheers!
I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and was wondering
what all is needed to get setup? I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very internet smart so I’m not 100% positive. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated. Appreciate it
Hmm is anyone else encountering problems with the images on this blog loading? I’m trying to find out
if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I’m not sure why but this site is loading very slow for me.
Is anyone else having this issue or is it a issue on my end?
I’ll check back later on and see if the problem still exists.
Hello! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new iphone 3gs!
Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and
look forward to all your posts! Carry on the excellent work!
Wow that was strange. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked submit
my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
Anyways, just wanted to say excellent blog!