If your family tree doesn’t have any branches, vote Mitt Romney

As an Australian white collar family of academics, I honestly have no idea why my parents played Jeff Foxworthy stand-up comedy on every single car trip we took during the early 90’s. Nonetheless, when inebriated and in a confined space, my brothers and I can recite, almost word for word, every line of the Jeff Foxworthy, “You Might Be A Redneck” cassette.

Despite my love for his self-deprecating style of humour I mother-flipping hate the fact that Jeff Foxworthy, the man who made car trips with three brothers and a farting beagle bearable, has endorsed Mitt Romney.

Nonetheless, in honour of this love-hate cognitive dissonance relationship I now hold with Foxworthy, I thought I’d reword a few of his best redneck jokes to fit with a Romney endorsement… and I feel justified considering Romney’s voting demographic.

“If your family tree doesn’t have any branches, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you go to family reunions to pick up women, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever shot a concrete deer, taken it home and marinated it for weeks before declaring it inedible, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever cut your grass and found a car, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you think, ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren’t, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If your mother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling monkeys, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever financed a tattoo, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If your front porch collapses and more than five dogs are killed, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If your gene pool doesn’t have a deep end, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it, vote Mitt Romney…”

“If you come back from the garbage tip with more stuff than you went with, vote Mitt Romney…”

There are hundreds more, but those are some of my favourites… and fat jokes wouldn’t work in this context. Feel welcome to add your own!

Jake is @JakeFarrWharton on Twitter and the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book that takes the specific claims made by the most prominent Christian Leaders and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindleOr if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

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About jakefw

My Religious Status Atheist, Secular, Anti-Theist, Pirate Lover. About Me: I'm so funny and intelligent that when I make jokes, people simultaneously laugh and get smarter... it's an enigma, like clothing on a playboy playmate - see what I did there? I'm a writer - currently for prolific blog www.rustylime.com. I'm a poet - this is a lie. I'm a fighter - more with my tongue than anything... take that however you want... ladies. I'm an intellectual - e=Mc2... apparently. I am well educated - I have degrees in both Fahrenheit and Celsius... some day I will rate in Kelvin. My blood type is O- - But I like to think of myself as a positive kind of guy. I was abducted by aliens at an early age - Bloody immigrants... always trying to take our jobs... and our children! I love the theatre - I've always loved sterile environments where operations take place. I am not an Animal lover - I prefer Beaker, that 'meep' sound he makes is hilarious. I am a science literacy proponent - people need to know how to blow shit up using household chemicals like nitrocellulose and ear wax! I deny evolution - while my cousin might look like an ape, she most assuredly isn't! I am a climate change skeptic - man was never meant to wear underpants! I love religion - But it's at that stage in it's life where it's getting really expensive to take care of it... I think it's time we took it behind the barn and put a cap in it's arse. I hate intolerance - I especially hate intolerant people, I hate them in the face! Thats me, if you want to know more, don't hesitate to procrastinate on sending me an email to ask questions about me and my pet Burrito named Dog! Age: Old enough to pretend I didn't hear the question, young enough to emotively storm out of the room because you asked! Why am I here: When a man and a woman love each other very much, they have 'intercourse' and if they love each other enough, the man won't 'pull out' and they'll make a baby. On this occasion, the baby was named 'Jake', and he's just great! The religion I left: Christian, Catholic Why I left My religion: disillusionment with church, doubts about god communicating to pastor, doubts about god communicating at all, contradiction between concept of "free will" and concept of omniscience god with will, "free will" doesn't make sense since desires not under our control, inability to view god as anything more than a sadistic tyrant, contradiction between bible's claim of god's love and existence of hell, doubting bible led to crumbling away of any firm belief structure, Also why I left my religion: Priest and pastor could not answer questions on quantum physics... made me question everything! Twitter: http://twitter.com/_Modus_Operandi