As an Australian white collar family of academics, I honestly have no idea why my parents played Jeff Foxworthy stand-up comedy on every single car trip we took during the early 90’s. Nonetheless, when inebriated and in a confined space, my brothers and I can recite, almost word for word, every line of the Jeff Foxworthy, “You Might Be A Redneck” cassette.
Despite my love for his self-deprecating style of humour I mother-flipping hate the fact that Jeff Foxworthy, the man who made car trips with three brothers and a farting beagle bearable, has endorsed Mitt Romney.
Nonetheless, in honour of this love-hate cognitive dissonance relationship I now hold with Foxworthy, I thought I’d reword a few of his best redneck jokes to fit with a Romney endorsement… and I feel justified considering Romney’s voting demographic.
“If your family tree doesn’t have any branches, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you go to family reunions to pick up women, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever shot a concrete deer, taken it home and marinated it for weeks before declaring it inedible, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever cut your grass and found a car, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you think, ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren’t, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If your mother has ‘ammo’ on her Christmas list, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling monkeys, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever financed a tattoo, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If your front porch collapses and more than five dogs are killed, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If your gene pool doesn’t have a deep end, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it, vote Mitt Romney…”
“If you come back from the garbage tip with more stuff than you went with, vote Mitt Romney…”
There are hundreds more, but those are some of my favourites… and fat jokes wouldn’t work in this context. Feel welcome to add your own!
Jake is @JakeFarrWharton on Twitter and the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book that takes the specific claims made by the most prominent Christian Leaders and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.