At the beginning of every New Year thousands of people join a gym and start a diet only to cancel their membership and forget their diet after just three hours.
Psychologists suggest that the reason for this is simple, we’re lazy, we like food and we’re lazy.
Psychologists also say that people who tell everyone about their New Years resolution
Nonetheless, the following 10 solutions will have you trim, taut and terrific in less time than it takes to contract cholera, which only just missed out on making it to the top 10 list.
9. Become a self sufficient farmer
Farmers are notorious for two things, fornicating with livestock and getting skin cancer, but third on the list is the ability to fit into skinny-jeans all year round. This is really attributed to several key factors, heavy smoking, constant incidental exercise (livestock fornicating) and only reserving the bare minimum of food so as not to eat in profits.
This way of life can be expensive in the beginning, as you will need to purchase arable and irrigated land and fornication grade livestock, but it will truly reward you with a farmer’s physique – and I’ve never met a single fat farmer in my city.
8. Contract a parasite
Runway models don’t really have a skill set that allows them to contribute to society in any meaningful way; that is a fact. Nonetheless, some years ago, a (probably prematurely dead) runway model thought it would be a good idea to swallow a tape worm. Unfortunately, given how similar they look, she actually swallowed three of her best runway model friends before realising and was charged with murder.
Once she escaped from prison, by walking straight through the bars, she walked to her closest veterinary clinic and purchased a bag full of tape worms, which had been surgically removed from various animals earlier that day. The result was that she lost those last few grams.
The moral of the story is that there are a few parasites, such as tape worm, that will sit in your intestines and literally eat your food before you even have time to absorb it. If you’re lucky, the worm will get so big that it will perforate your intestines and will cause copious amounts of blood to seep into your body cavities, prompting surgery… which is always good for the physique.
7. Stay inside for a while
Once a month, on the night of the full moon, werewolves lock themselves in impenetrable cages to prevent them getting loose and attacking their loved ones. This strategy is very effective way to ensure the survival of the local town’s folk but also provides a great opportunity to lose weight.
All you need for this solution is to purchase a large cat enclosure and recruit a friend or relative with a short term memory problem. Have them lock you in the cage and leave. Seven days later when your friend remembers something vaguely about you, you’ll either be dead or will be rocking a body worthy of envy.
6. Develop a meth habit
Meth is a terribly addictive drug that will ruin you, and everyone you know. It will also disconnect you from everything meaningful in your life.
But on the positive, you’ll lose weight – especially when you have to sell your blood to keep up with your crippling addictive commitments.
5. Eat your leftover Christmas lunch seafood
Seafood is normally only food for a day, maybe two if you’re careful. What happens after this is simple, bacteria start feasting. As such, if you manage to swallow something with Listeria, ecoli or parvovirus, your next few days in hospital on a liquid diet will be a weight loss lover’s wet dream.
Following your release from hospital, the intense pains in your stomach and generally diminished appetite should see you sitting at a healthy weight in no time.
4. Remove your least favourite limb
Arms and legs are heavy things, so go down to your local hardware store and purchase a good circular saw or jigsaw and remove your least favourite limb. If the documentary Braveheart, staring Mel Gibson, is anything to go by, following the removal of your chosen limb, you should thrust the bloody stump into the fire to cauterise any bleeding.
Edit: While it was assumed to be common sense, following the receipt of several emails from lawyers promising litigation for killing their clients, we felt it necessary to give the following warning. If your least favourite limb is your head, and you attempt to remove it, you will most likely die.
3. Live a biblical life
On god’s order, the Prophet Ezekiel ate his own faeces for several years. The intestines are replete with ecoli and many other microorganisms capable of giving you awesome diarrhoea. Also, you’ll be helping the people of Israel to repent from their sinful ways.
In truth, we’re really not sure if eating poo will help you to lose weight but we thought that it might be funny to encourage you to put your poo eating on YouTube.
2. Share needles with drug users
It is no secret that people with AIDS are very skinny. Between battling the symptoms and various opportunistic infections and the side effects from the antiretroviral drugs, you’ll find yourself without an appetite all year around!
Better still, if you decide that you want to put weight back on, just move to a state or country where medicinal marijuana is available, and you’ll be happy forever.
1. Eat fewer calories than you use during an average day, and exercise daily.
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Peace and love.
Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.