American Fundamentalist Christians have perpetrated a mass genocide of Santa lookalikes after a coalition of Christians reread the Ten Commandments finding God outlawed such idolatry.
Tens of thousands of Americans are dead and scores injured were when members of the world’s largest Christian organisation The Coalition Of Christian American Bigots (COCAB) were directed to exterminate all Santa lookalikes. COCAB discovered that the Old Testament of the bible expressly outlawed Santa Claus style idolatry and ordered their members to each find a Santa and “do what needed to be done”.
Chief Pastor of COCAB Jerry Fallgood said that once the scriptures had been interpreted, they had no choice but to take drastic action. Fallgood, who has gone into hiding, released a pre-recorded video message to Fox News this morning.
“Either we kill all the children who believe in Santa, and all the parents who reinforce this disgusting myth, or we kill all the Santa Claus impersonators across the country.
“We thought that killing Santa would be easier than killing Children because most people who play Santa can’t run, on account of their crippling diabetes and gout,” he said.
Fallgood, who is thought to be hiding in Pakistan, also called for the release of any members of his Christian organisation who were arrested following the Santa killings.
“You shouldn’t think of what we did as “traditional murder.”
“What we did was clearly commanded by God in the bible, and given that we live in a Christian nation, we were doing God’s work,” he said.
But US President Barak Obama has officially declared the Santa killings a terrorist act and has officially renounced his long standing affiliation with COCAB.
“Many people have questioned the level of access that Jerry Fallgood and COCAB had to me. I would like to assure the American people that like all politicians, I didn’t listen to Fallgood unless he had money. And even when he had money, I didn’t really listen,” said President Obama in a passionate speech this morning. You can rest assured that we will hunt this man down.
“Furthermore, I have declared these acts that of a terrorist organisation, and, given the severity of the offences, I intend to legally change all suspects’ races to Mexican and have them tried in Arizona.”
President Obama has also called a special meeting of congress to officially remove any reference to Christianity or God from US money, the supreme courts and has demanded a literal wall of separation between church and state be erected.
Catholic League president Bill Donahue spoke about the actions of COCAB, denouncing them as un-Christian.
“Being a Christian used to mean something positive. It used to mean that you had the right, nay, the privilege, to discriminate against all non-Christians in the same way that White people used to discriminate against non-Whites. It used to mean that when you flipped a coin, there was a 50 per cent chance that it’d come up heads, because God was on your side.
“I remember the days when priests and pastors would encourage their congregants to read their bibles with a full understanding that they never would. The fact that some rednecks read the bible was astounding to all of us, but they clearly had no business trying to interpret the sacred scriptures. That is why we have a Pope, after all,” said Donahue.
Despite the plea from Fallgood, all suspects have been sent to Guantanamo Bay for prolonged enhanced interrogation until their trials.
Disclaimer: This is a satire/parody editorial and is not to be taken literally… unless it actually happens, in which case, please ignore this disclaimer and consider this Breaking News!
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Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.