Scientists Reluctantly Confirms End of World Predictions for May 21st

Seismological data collated today suggests that solar neutrinos are acting in a way that they’ve never observably done before. They’re interacting with solid matter and creating a form of friction.

The result is that the core of the earth is quickly heating and dissolving the mantle containing the liquid iron core of the earth. Eventually (i.e. within only a few short days) the earth’s crust disintegrate and everyone and everything will die.

“There is not a geophysicist or astrophysicist alive today who would have expected that solar neutrinos, which are the incorporeal particles which result from fusion of hydrogen atoms, could interact with solid matter in such a way. Neutrinos mainly only interact with some radioactive isotopes, robbing them of their spare neutrons, which is ultimately how we detect them. The fact that they are heating the mantle of the earth means that we’re all doomed… I’d say that May 21st is the day we’ll all die from the resulting cataclysm,” said Professor Marney Gittman, head theologian at Hoovard University.

So, there you have it folks, the world is coming to an end on May the 21st, supporting the Evangelical Christian group who predicted that the world would end on May the 21st.

The question is, what will you do now? Some suggest killing those pesky kids who’ve been walking on your segment of the sidewalk on their way home from school and making sweet rape to your neighbourhood Presbyterian woman. Alternatively, you can ignore the warning and go about your life as you normally would.

Nonetheless, regardless of what you decide to do, do it soon because the end is neigh. Or, it isn’t. But probably is. Maybe.

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About jakefw

My Religious Status Atheist, Secular, Anti-Theist, Pirate Lover. About Me: I'm so funny and intelligent that when I make jokes, people simultaneously laugh and get smarter... it's an enigma, like clothing on a playboy playmate - see what I did there? I'm a writer - currently for prolific blog www.rustylime.com. I'm a poet - this is a lie. I'm a fighter - more with my tongue than anything... take that however you want... ladies. I'm an intellectual - e=Mc2... apparently. I am well educated - I have degrees in both Fahrenheit and Celsius... some day I will rate in Kelvin. My blood type is O- - But I like to think of myself as a positive kind of guy. I was abducted by aliens at an early age - Bloody immigrants... always trying to take our jobs... and our children! I love the theatre - I've always loved sterile environments where operations take place. I am not an Animal lover - I prefer Beaker, that 'meep' sound he makes is hilarious. I am a science literacy proponent - people need to know how to blow shit up using household chemicals like nitrocellulose and ear wax! I deny evolution - while my cousin might look like an ape, she most assuredly isn't! I am a climate change skeptic - man was never meant to wear underpants! I love religion - But it's at that stage in it's life where it's getting really expensive to take care of it... I think it's time we took it behind the barn and put a cap in it's arse. I hate intolerance - I especially hate intolerant people, I hate them in the face! Thats me, if you want to know more, don't hesitate to procrastinate on sending me an email to ask questions about me and my pet Burrito named Dog! Age: Old enough to pretend I didn't hear the question, young enough to emotively storm out of the room because you asked! Why am I here: When a man and a woman love each other very much, they have 'intercourse' and if they love each other enough, the man won't 'pull out' and they'll make a baby. On this occasion, the baby was named 'Jake', and he's just great! The religion I left: Christian, Catholic Why I left My religion: disillusionment with church, doubts about god communicating to pastor, doubts about god communicating at all, contradiction between concept of "free will" and concept of omniscience god with will, "free will" doesn't make sense since desires not under our control, inability to view god as anything more than a sadistic tyrant, contradiction between bible's claim of god's love and existence of hell, doubting bible led to crumbling away of any firm belief structure, Also why I left my religion: Priest and pastor could not answer questions on quantum physics... made me question everything! Twitter: http://twitter.com/_Modus_Operandi
  • http://YOURURL Jason Fuller

    Roflmao you guys are so freaking funny keep up the great work