10 reasons why everyone who is not Australian should fear Australia

For many years, several of Australia’s cities have made it into the top ten of most liveable cities in the world. Factors that gained them such placement included scenery, attitudes of the people, transportation, living costs and overall serenity.

Liveability aside, Australia is an amazing country filled with spectacular views, amazing people and sublime flora and fauna, all topped off by big red rock in the big red centre.

Unbeknownst to most people, however, is an insanely dangerous nature, just waiting to bite your face off, fill it with Chlamydia, then sew it back together, give you a deep tissue massage, and bite it off again. The below list demonstrates definitively that anyone brave enough to live in Australia is automatically awarded, “bravest *other *ucker in the *other *ucking *niverse!” The below list will reveal to you why everyone who is not Australian, should fear Australia! Finally, the below list will destroy any notions that this post’s author is a wimpy whiney non-Australian.


10: The Koala

These cuddly and majestic animals spent most of their day perched high up at the top of eucalyptus trees. Koalas eat only the leaves of a plant that is so toxic that it will kill anything that happened to ingest enough of it.

Furthermore, if you happen to walk into the territory of a bull koala during mating season, be prepared to have your face scratched off! Also, many Australian koalas have chlamydia, so don’t have sex with them!

9: We’ll eat your babies! 

Marsupials are so cognisant of the danger posed to their vulnerable young, so hyperaware of the dangers of Australia, that they evolved a pouch to carry around their young for several months after birth. All the proof you’ll ever need that Australia is dangerous for infants was immortalised by a hysterical Meryl Streep who, in her poor Australian accent, sobbed “a dingo took my baby!”

Terrible acting aside, even the animals of Australia know that Australia is not safe for infants! Also, kangaroos can retract their boy-bits into their stomach cavity, so if you ever get into a fight with one, don’t go for a cheap shot… you’ll end up looking foolish.

8: We’re all convicts 

Australia has the highest convict to citizen ratio at around 100:1. This is largely because Australia was the original “Pacific Solution” (a joke which only Australians will understand, which demonstrates how bad-ass that sentence was).

The only reason that Australia was originally colonised, was to house the growing prison population in Great Britain. So the original colonists got on a boat, sailed for months, just to settle a convict colony! It was literally a colony run by convicts, for convicts! As such, upon naturalisation as an Australian, you are officially dubbed a convict. That’s why Australian men are so sought-after all around the world; we’re the ultimate bad-boys-with-a-heart-of-gold-but-no-actual-gold.

7: Dangers of the shallow

So, you’re swimming around in one of the spectacular and picturesque North Queensland beaches. The pristine white sand and jungle greens behind you, the crystal clear blue in front – it is a sublimely captivating beauty, admired by all. It’s ok to swim here because the life guard said there is a shark net, which keeps all of the man-eaters out of the way, so that you can have an awesome time at the beach with your family. You’re safe, right? Wrong!

Unbeknownst to you, a tiny (smaller than a garden variety pea and wholly transparent) jellyfish called Irukandji is out fishing for prey and because you can’t see them, you’re it! Once this little blighter injects its venom into you through one of the millions of hypodermic stingers on its tiny bodies, you have less than an hour to get your booty to a hospital. Once in hospital, you’ll have to lie in a bed for 2-5 days, convulsing in agony as every single nerve in your body ignites sporadically. There is no antivenin or treatment; you’ve just got to wait until the venom leaves your body.

If you ever so much as see an Irukandji and you’re not wearing a protective suit, it’s too late!

6: Dangers of the even-shallower

So, you’ve decided not to swim in the beach for fear of sharks and Irukandji and instead opt for a far more sensible dip in a series of shallow rock pools, which drain and fill with each tide. Problem is, you’re not alone! No, lurking in the shallows with you is a deadly species of fish that desires nothing more than to destroy you and everything you stand for (especially if what you stand for is standing… on it)!

The Stonefish, so called because it looks exactly like a stone… or a really ugly baby. It does mostly nothing for most of the day, just sitting on the bottom of rock pools and around reefs, then you come along in your Speedos and zinc lip-balm and accidentally step on it. Well, the stonefish couldn’t care less what you were doing, let alone whom you were doing it with. A venomous spine from just above the head of the WORLDS DEADLIEST FISH shoots up and injects venom that’ll have you vomiting and convulsing in minutes!

5: Dangers of the even-shallower-still

So, you’re decided that the rock pools are too dangerous and have opted for finding some pretty shells out on the rocks. Finding shells in the really small rock pools should be safe, right? Wrong!

Who would have thought that one of the world’s most awesome sea creatures, the octopus, would have an Australian cousin that is only five centimetres long but is venomous enough to kill! Worse still, when it feels threatened, the blue ringed octopus’ body erupts with vivid blue rings, enough to attract even the most apathetic teenager, who only came because their parents made them!

4: Brown is Australian for danger

Throughout much of the year, Australia is brown. Brown trees, brown leaves, brown grass, brown wallabies, brown snarling-ankle-biting wombats, and worst of all, brown snakes.

Seriously, it’s hard enough to see these snakes when they’re at eye level in an enclosure at your local zoo as they’re tactful hiders and have senses so strong, that they can taste you coming (that’s right, they frigging taste you!) hundreds of meters (meters is a unit of measurement used in Australia and some other irrelevant countries like Brazil and Korea) before they ever see you.

So, you’re walking along and the camouflaged brown snake, which looks like a stick, strikes you when you accidentally step on it, even though it is laying right in the middle of the walking track (… yeah, I know, inconsiderate snake doesn’t even bother to read the signs which clearly have a human walking on the track, not a snake). Then, bam, you’re dead… in a couple of hours.

3: The king of dangerous browns

It’s bad enough that one of our deadliest killer snakes, the brown snake, will purposely lie around in the middle of a walking track, just waiting for some unsuspecting nature enthusiast to provoke them into biting them by stepping on them. Worse still is the fact that the brown snake is merely the lowly peasant version!

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the King Brown snake. These mo-fos don’t bother with the niceties of pretending to be a stick. No! If you enter their territory, they’ll hunt you down! Moreover, their venom is among the most potent in the world; you get bitten, goodbye!

2: Toadally Gross

You wouldn’t believe it (well, unless you’re Australian) but the common cane toad one of the most destructive organisms in Australia, second only to humans. It’s true; the cane toad is responsible for pushing multiples upon multiples of native species to the brink of extinction since its introduction to Australia.

The cane toad was introduced to Queensland, the sexy state, in an attempt to kill the cane beetle – another introduced species – that was devastating the sugar cane industry at the time. What the farmers at the time didn’t (but could have, if they’d not been to busy saying, “she’ll be right, mate!”) know was that the cane beetle burrows into the roots of the cane plant and the cane toad doesn’t. So, while the cane beetle munched away and with no natural predators, the cane toad set about decimating the local population of everything.

So bad-ass is the cane toad that they’re even responsible for placing the deadly King Brown snake on the list endangered animals. What’s worse is that they’re really frigging ugly!

1: Platypi 

The platypus, while being one of the lesser known Australian icons, is an amazing creature. Aside from being utterly adorable, it is an utterly fascinating animal to anyone with a primary school education and up. This is because it is as though the animal has not fully completed its time in the evolutionary deep-fryer.

The platypus is a monotreme – a mammal which lays eggs. It has a bill and webbed feet like a duck, a tail like a beaver, cute little beady eyes, both furry and cuddly and lives in burrows which are accessible only by an underwater (freshwater) cave. Both fascinating and amazingly cute!

When you’re presented with an adorable animal, which is zoologically fascinating, what do you do? You pick it up, right? Hold it like a cat and stroke it gently as it nuzzles into the nape of your neck.


For more information on the above-mentioned animals and other reasons why everyone who is not Australian should fear Australia, and Australians, please consult your local library, Outback Steakhouse or Meryl Streep movie.

Jake Farr-Wharton is the host of the award winning ImaginaryFriendsShow.com Podcast, the sexiest atheist alive and is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Episode 46 – To Hell With You!!

Dear Imaginary Figments of Imaginary Fillaments of my Imaginary Imagination,

Firstly, to your horoscopes for this week:

Aquarius: Your romance will have a fairytale ending this week when your boyfriend forcefeeds you his gingerbread house, then eats your grandmother to get to Little Red Ridinghood… i.e. your boyfriend may be a Catholic priest.

Scorpio: While leaving one’s body to the local university was noble, in your case, it’s actually quite an unfair gesture!

Recording on rapture day 2011 wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t hard either. No, like all fairy tales, it was juuuust right… and then a bear ate it… or something. Nonetheless, open your mind and your ears and get ready to be splendifourized, because this is a hugely awesome show… which is also huge. Israel, Glenn Beck, Rapture, Halal and Sharia, and penis twirling. Yeah, it’s in there. Enjoy!

Check this shit out:

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Touch it.

Jake Farr-Wharton

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Episode 45 – Hey there sexy, what are you doing later?

Dear Colonauts,

Having drunk more than half of the wine in Australia’s bible-belt, we’ve returned to open a can of whoop-ass on some generally unsavoury stuff.

As for the important stuff:

Taurus: A spectacularly allergic reaction to shellfish this week, sees you breaking out in hives after watching an episode of Spongebob Squarepants.

Scorpio: It’s never too late to say you’re sorry… even if it means shouting it through a coffin.

In this episode, we talk Osama, The Vatican’s new anti-child-rape guidelines, the seven deadly sins and then some other stuff.

Listen here (wait to load):

Download mp3 here (right click, save as).

Touch it.

Jake Farr-Wharton

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

7 Reasons Why Violent Oppressive Dictatorships Are Better Than Democracies

As those capable of sentience traverse this universe on a sexy blue dot (sexy, one assumes, to all other pale blue and some hazy yellow dots), it is poignant to remember that the universe wants nothing more than to destroy us! Seriously, everything from microwaves to the royal wave exist only to rip apart your sexy deoxyribonucleic acid to shreds.

As such, if we are to survive into the distant future, we need to sort something out: governance!

Unfortunately, ideology and ideologues aside, if there is one single ‘thing’ that is responsible for all war, fighting and institutionalised boredom, it is poor governance. This poorly formatted essay will demonstrate 7 major reasons why, if we indeed want humanity to survive, we must adopt violent, oppressive dictatorship in place of the democracies that we currently have in place throughout the West.

1. Elections are a real drag!

Democratic:      Every 3 to 5 years, the people of a democratic country have to get off their mayonnaise (you’d hope) stained couches to elect a new leading government.

Dictatorship:     All of the work required to be a dictator is performed by or for those wanting to govern. That means that you, the citizen, don’t have to do anything. NOTHING AT ALL! Seriously!

2. Civility is a real mother-flipping bitch!

Democratic:      Rather abhorrently, in a democratic country, everyone is equal. Your next-door neighbour can be a homosexual loving, Jewish-Muslim with a fetish for human on fish pornography (aqua-love), but you can’t say or do anything. In the early days of most democracies, it was totally ok to lynch and kill people for being, looking, acting, speaking differently or singing off key in Church, but nowadays, none of that will fly!

Worse still, if your neighbour’s dog repeatedly shits on your lawn and you decide to give it a nitro-glycerine infused steak, you will likely go to jail when the dog explodes and the police trace it back to you.

Dictatorship:     In a dictatorship, not only can you get your neighbour killed for having a dog that shat on your lawn (or exploded on your lawn after you indiscriminately place land-mines around the place) but you can get your neighbour, and their entire family killed for being related to the dog! All you have to do is tell the local constabulatory that they were spreading propaganda about your glorious dictator. Simple as that!

Furthermore, using this system strategically, you can get yourself promoted into all of the best jobs in the country just by telling the people’s police that you caught your boss wiping their bottom with a picture of the dictator.

A savvy professional can get promoted directly under the dictator after only a few months… then all they’d need to do is poison the dictator as they slept and violas’, they’re dictator!

C. Rights, fairness and equality.

Democratic:      The ethos for a democracy is governance of the people, for the people, by the people. As such, in a democracy, everyone from the lowliest drug-using hand-job-for-money-giving non-Facebook user to the head of the democratic nation should have equal power and responsibility over the democracy.

Everything has to be fair to everyone, every person needs to be considered and no one’s rights can ever be put before anyone else’s. Everyone is equal (at least on paper).

Dictatorship:     The ethos for a democracy is governance of the people, by a person. It’s so much more efficient! Seriously, why bother to form a committee to decide on the naming of a committee when a cigar-brandishing, oily-faced, short guy in a military uniform can effectively decide everything, for everyone, all of the time!!

The only one with ‘rights’ in a violent, oppressive dictatorship are the people who have not yet had their right arms, or ‘rights’, unceremoniously chopped off for not saluting the beloved dictator for the appropriate length of time; 497 hours.

4. Everyone loves hippies! They taste like chicken.

Democratic:      JFK once said, “ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country!” But seriously, how lazy is that! Your government shouldn’t be asking you to ask it what you can do for it! How ineffective is that!?!

Dictatorship:     What are you, a hippy? In a dictatorship, you do what you’re told or you get shot in the foot… which is pretty funny. Ever watched someone get shot in the foot? They dance around a lot before dying a terrible death from wound septicaemia. Good times!

5. Capitalism is repugnant!

Democracy:      In a democracy, big wealthy corporations headed by billionaires, who want to milk the planet of its tasty oily, coaly, metallic and radioactive inner juices, can milk the planet of its tasty metallic and radioactive inner juices by paying politicians to fight for their causes. This means that the illusions held by citizens of these democratic nations, that they elect politicians to represent them – the little guy, are farcical!

Dictatorship:     In a dictatorship, the dictator does whatever the hell he or she (she – that was a good joke) wants! Also, if a big wealthy corporation headed by a billionaire wants to milk the planet of its tasty oily, coaly, metallic and radioactive inner juices, they have to pay the dictator millions of dollars!

While this sounds similar to the democratic process, the dictator won’t waste their bribe money on running an election campaign! Instead, the dictator gives all that money back to the people by spending it on plastic surgery for the dictator so that the people can have a youthful looking dictator that they can all look up to.

F. Taxing the rich, to feed the poor.

Democracy:      In a democracy, all people (including corporations, because corporations are people too) pay taxes based on their income or revenue. This money then goes back to the government who will spend it based on what the billionaire heads of the big wealthy corporations who gave the most money to the politicians in power tell the politicians in power to spend it on.

So when you hear about ‘tax-payer funded’ initiative, you’re actually hearing about ‘tax-payer funded’ initiatives that the billionaire heads of big wealthy corporations told the politicians in power to initiate.

The people rarely get what they want (unless ‘the people’ are the billionaire heads of big wealthy corporations) and only a portion of what they need. It’s just a big waste of time and money!

Dictatorship:     In a dictatorship, most people die before they turn 30 and lose all their teeth due to radioactive particulates which are liberated from the soil and lovingly ejected into the atmosphere anyway, so health and dental care are completely redundant.

Also, the most important person in all of the dictatorship is the dictator him or herself (herself – another great joke). As such the all taxes collected by the crooked police in the dictatorship go mostly to buying solid gold yachts and solid platinum prostitutes – useless, but necessary items for all dictators.

7. Weapons of mass delusion!

Democracy:      When the interests of a democracy are threatened, there is a huge amount of bureaucracy that the country must go through prior to launching a military action.

So, lets say that if the people in the democracy use over 18 million barrels of oil each day and peak production in that democracy is only 5.5 million barrels of oil each day, you’d want to hope that the oil supply is stable!! Then, lets hypothetically say that one of the primary producers of the other 12.5 million barrels of oil that the country needs to drive their hummers from their houses, half a mile to the corner store and back three times, each day, goes into turmoil. You’d have to launch a war!

Well, in a democracy, you have to have to buy or make war-machines, guns and bullets, pay for soldiers to fight for you and all that stuff. Worst of all, in a democracy they value life above most other things (except the profits of the billionaire heads of big wealthy corporations) so there’s expensive Kevlar vests and training.

Then, once they’ve got a military force, they’ve got to request the permission of the citizens within the democracy by giving fake reasons to invade (or, “liberate” as some might say) the oil. Anyway, this takes time and money and it’s really tedious for the average racist couch-dwelling citizen.

Dictatorship:     In a dictatorship, the leaders of many countries pay you for your loyalty (which you can quite easily feign) with weapons and tanks and bombs and aircraft and money… especially if you’ve got oil! So, all you have to do, as dictator, is tell your people that the opposition forces mortally offended your country by doing something arbitrary and mundane that you, the dictator, abhor and you’re away!

In conclusion, submit to whoever murders, poisons, ransoms, kidnaps, juntas, coups, WMDs their way into power.

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Scientists Reluctantly Confirms End of World Predictions for May 21st

Seismological data collated today suggests that solar neutrinos are acting in a way that they’ve never observably done before. They’re interacting with solid matter and creating a form of friction.

The result is that the core of the earth is quickly heating and dissolving the mantle containing the liquid iron core of the earth. Eventually (i.e. within only a few short days) the earth’s crust disintegrate and everyone and everything will die.

“There is not a geophysicist or astrophysicist alive today who would have expected that solar neutrinos, which are the incorporeal particles which result from fusion of hydrogen atoms, could interact with solid matter in such a way. Neutrinos mainly only interact with some radioactive isotopes, robbing them of their spare neutrons, which is ultimately how we detect them. The fact that they are heating the mantle of the earth means that we’re all doomed… I’d say that May 21st is the day we’ll all die from the resulting cataclysm,” said Professor Marney Gittman, head theologian at Hoovard University.

So, there you have it folks, the world is coming to an end on May the 21st, supporting the Evangelical Christian group who predicted that the world would end on May the 21st.

The question is, what will you do now? Some suggest killing those pesky kids who’ve been walking on your segment of the sidewalk on their way home from school and making sweet rape to your neighbourhood Presbyterian woman. Alternatively, you can ignore the warning and go about your life as you normally would.

Nonetheless, regardless of what you decide to do, do it soon because the end is neigh. Or, it isn’t. But probably is. Maybe.

Episode 44 – Atheism is just another religion!

Dear Religious Atheists,

Jake is attending rehab in wine country (which is actually the ‘bible belt’ of Australia doing research for book #2, so we’ve pre-cooked this episode for your aural pleasure. WTF happens if the atheism/secularism movement succeeds and what is the atheist worldview?

Listen here (wait for it to load):

Or download the mp3 here.

Until next week, Godspeed!

Fake Jarr-Wharton

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.