Episode 43 – So hot it’ll impregnate your auditory nerve!

Dear Slightly Obtuse Vestigial Tails,

I’ve received 27 emails from listeners begging for more horroscopes, so here you go!

Taurus: There’s a fine line between practicing kung fu and running around in your pajamas yelling at everyone you meet.

Pisces: Life is too short to hold onto regrets. Well, for you, anyway… sheesh.

Nonetheless, the 43rd ImaginaryFriendsShow.com Podcast is free and presenting it’s salty wares for your perusal. Seriously, do with it whatever you feel is appropriate, but at least leave it some cash for a taxi afterwards.

Listen here (just wait a sec for it to load… c’mon… hurry up… ah, there it is, sweet ear crack!):

Or you can download the episode hear (because it’s for your ears… get it?), just right click, ‘save as’.

Lots of lipstick (is that really what LOL means?),

Fake Jarr-Wharton

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

Want me to follow Jesus? Show me his long-form birth, death and resurrection certificate!

For the past two thousand years, anecdote, allegory and allusion have reigned supreme and have been perfectly adequate for literally billions of people to covert to, or be indoctrinated into, the myriad sects of Christianity.

The reward of heaven, the threat of hell; shucks! Why would you need more than that to convert your ass to a religion that rewards faith over substance? After all, don’t forget what Jesus said;

“But these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slay them in my presence.” Luke 19:27.

Oh, sorry, wrong quote… what I meant to say was;

“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”” John 14:6.

There you have it. The only way to get into heaven and the hell away from hell, which I assume Jesus created because there’s no heaven or hell in the Old Testament, is through Jesus. And, as we all know, Jesus told his disciples;

“Truly I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all things take place.” Luke 21:32.

And;

“And Jesus was saying to them, “Truly I say to you, there are some of those who are standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God after it has come with power.”” Mark 9:1.

I mean, sure, they all endured horribly torturous deaths. And sure, none of them ascended to heaven prior to their deaths… but that doesn’t mean that Jesus lied! The disciples probably said something mean, like, “Jesus on a stick, this motza soup is hot!”

After all, Jesus did say;

“If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Matthew 18:6.

I mean, sure, he also said;

“And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.” Mark 9:47.

So the disciple could have just plucked his tongue out and then Jesus would have come back to pick up the disciple anyway… so, hmm. Well, I’d better not think too much about that, I darn heck buttocks sure don’t want to go to hell! Unlike you, apparently!

Furthermore, if you don’t convert, it’s not my fault; I told you everything that you should need to know in order to accept Jesus into the velvety folds of your heart (the metaphorical one, not the vital, blood-pumping one controlled by the hypothalamus)! So if you decide not to convert and be ‘born again’, then it’s not my fault!

You didn’t convert because there’s something wrong with you! Say, you’re not one of those homosexual-gay’s are you?

You know what? In the great words of a man with an orang-utan on his head, if you want me to follow Jesus, show me his long-form birth certificate, death certificate… and resurrection certificate!

Jake is the author of, “Letters to Christian Leaders – Hollow be thy claims”. Check it out here for your sexy kindle. Or for those who prefer the authentic smell of a newly printed book over the soulless machinations of the kindle, check out the print edition here. ***WARNING*** This book is so hot, it may impregnate your fingers as you read!

Episode 42 – This Chocolate Zombe Jesus is Making Me Thirsty!

Dear Fallopian Tube Survivalists,

What do you get when you cross an Easter bunny  who believes that Chocolate is the true meaning of Easter and a Jesus, who thinks that they’re the true meaning of Easter? You get world war 3… and a great intro to another episode of the ImaginaryFriendsShow.com Podcast.

If anyone can, the Vatican can… and the Aust. Christian Lobby can too.. and will.. and did. We also talk Obama the Panda, Aliens and the pagan origin of Easter!

Listen here (give it a second to load… c’mon, be patient… geeze… hurry up… ok, it’s loading):

Or download the MP3 here (right click and ‘save as’).

Warm and loving regards,

Jake Starr-Warston

Jake is the author of ‘Letters to Christian Leaders; Hollow be thy claims’, the book which takes the specific claims that the most prominent Christian Leaders make and directly refutes them using the latest research and evidence, reason, logic, and a dash of snarky humour. Get it here for your sexy kindle. Or if you prefer the authenticity of a book (and are too cheap for a kindle) get the hardcopy here.

‘Technology Evil, Molesting Children Totally Ok,’ Says Pope


Every year at this time, anywhere from ten to over one hundred thousand adherents of the Catholic faith engulf Saint Peters Square at the Vatican City. They do this for two reasons; firstly, to commemorate Palm Sunday and the begging of the week of Easter and, secondly, to hear the Pope pontificate on the meaning of Easter. Hundreds of millions more Catholics watch the address on their TVs at home.

This year’s event was no disappointment with well over forty thousand people flocking to the immense courtyard on Sunday. The general address from the pope has remained mostly the same for many years, beginning with a prayer, then a sermon on what Catholics should be focusing on whilst eating chocolate and forgetting Jesus this year.

Considering the events of recent weeks and months, the Pope could have had his pick of topics to analogize and evangelize. Hell, he had Christians dying in Egypt, Iran and Pakistan; Christians being beaten and forced not to pray in public in China; wars in Afghanistan, Iraq and now Libya; citizens rising up to overthrow governments in Tunisia, Libya, Egypt, Bahrain; earthquakes in New Zealand and Japan; cyclones and floods in Australia, Indonesia, Pakistan and Sri Lanka; and closed to home, tens of thousands of cases of child molestation and rape at the hands of Catholic priests going to trial.

So, given all of this recent tragedy, unrest, upheaval and child molestation at the hands and penises of priests that he oversees, can you guess what he talked about?

“Technological advances are liberating and contribute to the progress of mankind only if they are joined to these attitudes. Mankind has managed to accomplish so many things: we can fly! We can see, hear and speak to one another from the farthest ends of the earth. Our possibilities for evil have increased and appear like menacing storms above history.”

Paraphrasing, “beware technology, it is evil”.

Profound shit, right?

No, not at all.

This is a time when the Pope should be acknowledging his personal role in both directly covering up the sexual abuse of children in diocese under his control, and then placing the offending priests to other churches where they went onto reoffend!

This is a time when the Pope should be visiting EVERY SINGLE PRIEST IN THE WORLD, personally, and demanding an end to the sexual abuse of children!

This is a time when the Pope should not be sitting in his gold leaf palace, adorned by jewellery, expensive robes and an obviously phallic point hat, while women and children are starving around the world! SELL THE VATICAN, FEED THE WORLD!

This is a time when the Vatican should be renouncing all statements made about contraception and endorsing the use of condoms to halt the spread of AIDS, HIV and other STIs are rampant throughout the third world!

This is a time when the Vatican should be encouraging Catholics to curb overpopulation and to use contraception, instead of encouraging them to multiply!

And yet, the most profound statement that the 1.1 billion Catholics alive today receive from this morally repugnant, child sex-abuse enabling, AIDS and HIV spreading piece of trash is; “technology is evil.”

Wow, perhaps Glenn Beck was right. Perhaps the apocalypse is just around the corner.

Source.

Episode 41 – It’s all about the bitches (female dogs)


Dear Fiscal Banality Perverts (and sympathisers),

While walking the long, sexy road back from hell today, I stumbled upon the 41st ImaginaryFriendsShow.com Podcast! I thought, “holy schlitz”… mainly because I’m cheap and was drinking Schlitz at the time, but also because I’m compelled to not p*ss off the m*ther f*cki*g FCC.

Nonetheless, you can listen here (just wait for it to load… geeze, when will it frigging load already!):

Or download the mother-flipping mp3 here (right-click, save as..).

Until next my vocal vibrations confabulate your auditory nerves, word up.

Also, buy my book, Letters to Christian Leaders – Hollow be thy claims, here.

Peace and frogs,

Jake.

Episode 40 – The Power of Christ Confounds You!


Dear Mystic Penis Twirlers,

Due to a rather serious case of laryngitis, I can’t frigging speak. As such, we’ve provided something we prepared a little earlier, with your pal and mine, Gregg Savage!

In this episode, pre-recorded for your aural pleasure, Jake and Gregg talk  about a trillion different things in the oblong of discussion (topical joke). Mainly though, they talk about why, in the mother-flipping boon-doggies, atheists are so darn heck anrgy! Also, if you were among the first 2k to download last weeks show, sorry about the audio!!

Listen here (give it a second to load):

Or download the episode’s mp3 here.

Love your shirt!

Jake.

Should we legalise Christianity?

There has been a lot of talk recently, in our delightfully secular society, about the legalization of one of the world’s oldest forms of introspective perversion; Christianity.

Prior to entering the discussion on the legalization of Christianity, however, we should discuss how we got to this point.

Indeed, gone are the days when religion covertly pulled the strings of leverage behind the political machine, and less covertly, as priests, pastors and clerics told their congregations exactly who they would vote for, whilst demonizing the opposition.

Religion, as you may recall, was effectively neutered in the public sphere following the landmark study by a coalition of the world’s finest universities, which linked public declarations of religious belief to the astoundingly rapid decline in economic performance, intelligence quotients and breathable air.

After all, as the study found, “why would you care about the air or economy of tomorrow when your respective deity, penned in your respective holy book, expressly told you that the world is yours to do as you please?”

The study also found the following on intelligence, “when you’re taught from childhood that it is more important to believe in supernatural feats in direct spite of contrary evidence, than to trust in the empirical findings of scientific egg-heads, and subsequently punished for doubting the lack of evidence for human propagation from two white individuals in a garden, why study?”

Rather astoundingly, the level of ignorance towards scientific consensus was so prevalent at one point that the then Republican Party (and many ‘socially conservative political parties around the world) was made up, almost entirely, of individuals who believed that the fact of climate change was “just a myth”. This same group of people sought to remove the reproductive rights of women, forcing them to give birth to children they didn’t want – many of whom ended up in orphanages – whilst simultaneously stifling any attempt to promote sex education in schools and the use of condoms.

You may also remember the occasion where the Pope, a man who had personally enabled child abuse, entered Africa, a continent ravaged by sexually transmitted diseases, and told the people that condoms, which have an efficacy of preventing STIs above 98%, should not be used.

The final and some say the most salient finding of the study, uncovered a startling fact which we all now hold to be ‘common sense’ – “religion is responsible for the degradation of society, of morals and will lead to the ultimate destruction of humanity.”

Immediately upon the release, the governments who had not been effected by the degradation of intelligence began imposing laws to counter the overwhelming problem. Among them;

  • All public policy was required to have empirical evidence supporting it;
  • All schools were required to teach fact based curriculum, including a thorough reproductive and sexual education component;
  • It was made illegal for religious instruction to take place prior to the age of 21, when the adult could critically analyze the claims;
  • All religious institutions were taxed as the corporations they were found to be;
  • All public declarations of belief, prayer and superstition based holidays were replaced with public appreciation of science, fundraising for medical research and government sanctioned family days.

The most important policy, as you may recall, was that religions be treated as the blight that they apparently were. Immediately, adherents in left their religion in droves, many exclaiming, “I was taught that being non-religious meant that you’d go to hell, but it turns out that the teaching and hell were just convenient lies to keep me in the pews.”

Of course, religion was not outlawed altogether, and people were welcome to their beliefs, regardless of how ridiculous they happened to be. As such, religion and loose ambivalent belief in ‘something’ remained in the public consciousness, but not in public. Belief became private and disorganized; for one’s own confidential philosophical musings, rather than for public display.

Now to the current problem facing society.

For some time now, the remaining adherents of Christianity have been segregating themselves from the greater society; succeeding from their countries of birth to form pseudo-nations called Christian Nations of Christianity. Here, they can publicly believe in their religion and teach their children what they call “Truth”, despite the actual presence of any truth. As a result of their separation and beliefs, however, they are not allowed to make any policy or actions which would affect anyone outside of their Nations.

Now, due to the spiraling rate of Christian on Christian crime – which incidentally proves the old adage that “belief in god ain’t ever stopped no one from murderin’” – the annexed Christians want to rejoin the countries that their forefathers left behind.

While our secular societies are objectively more accepting than the previous quasi and semi-secular societies, critics fear that it will, inevitably lead to mixed marriages between secularists and Christians, forcing a reinterpretation of the marriage acts.

What critics really fear, however, is that the defectors of the Christian Nations of Christians will have children in our secular nations, and be thereby legally able to run for politics. These “anchor babies” could indeed lead to a reformation of nonsensical values which our society did away with, long, long ago.

This reporter worries that given the Christian Nations of Christians’ focus on maintaining wealth for the wealthy at the expense of education and healthcare for the lower classes as sited in their policy entitled, “making the well off feel more comfortable”, the defectors would quickly become a burden on society. Their propensity to forego fact in place of faith means that their relative education levels would make them suitable for menial tasks, i.e. the jobs reserved for helping reformed prisoners reintegrate to the greater society.

What do you think? Should Christianity be again legalized in our prosperous secular societies?

Episode 39 – They have come for your soul!

Dear Homoerotic Co-Operative Aggregators,

After helping to sharpen the sword of Christian soldiers, and helping to polish the armour of Christian soldiers, and then scraping the sand out of the emptiness between the collective cranial expanses of Christian soldiers, we’ve released the 39th ImaginaryFriendsShow.com Podcast.

In this show, we talk abortion laws, atheist pride, love, the implications of burning a Koran and we give you the new Atheist anthem for Easter, Chocolate Feaster.

Listen here (wait to load):

Mp3 Download here.

Enjoy the show, my friends.

Jake.