I have often pondered the possibility that the story of a senior citizen finding resources for and building an arc of unimaginable proportions, then filling it with two of each animal, or Noah’s Arc might seem more believable if I were extremely, impossibly high on drugs. Now, Professor Benny Shanon of Jerusalem University has written of his theory that the biblical Israelites were high while they wrote their stories.
The thunder, lightning and blaring of a trumpet which the Book of Exodus says emanated from Mount Sinai were probably just have been the imaginings of a people in an altered state of awareness, Professor Shanon hypothesised, writing in the British Journal Time and Mind.
Anyone who has travelled deep into the jungles of South America and conversed with a tribal Shaman and been persuaded to try the intense hallucenogen, ayahuasca, can attest to the profound and elegant closeness to the universe it provides. A plant with the same qualities as one used in the ayahuasca brew has been revered by Jews in the region as having magical and curative powers.
This plant, readers, is commonly found around the Middle East, but most notably, on Mount Siani. That’s right boys and girls, when Moses met God for the first time, he was high, so high in fact that it took him forty days to come down… from the mountain.
So, riddle me this; have you ever gotten toked or tripped your way to heaven and written some seriously profound poetry, the kind that might change the world, then the next morning, awake with the same feelings of elation and read the garbled mess of semi passable prose that was your ticket to martyrdom and had it shunned?
Doesn’t it sound more likely that this is what transpired on the Siani; Moses mistook a commonly found herb used for tea and garnish for the hallucinogen, got profoundly high, talked to god (who was actually a talking burning bush (which was actually a small rodent)), wrote down what god said and walked back down the mountain with a satisfied grin on his face.
Then, he would have presented his writings to his peers, who would have laughed at and ridiculed him. Then, Moses, in a giant hissy fit, smashed the tablets on the ground and walked away in a huff. Then, incomprehensibly pissed off with his mates, got high again and talked shit about them, how they were worshipping idols and coveting other peoples wives.
How could he have known that his drug-fuelled, jive talking rant would go triple platinum?
So, there you have it, the Bible, God and stone tablets, were all written while profoundly high. It’s all a sham, a drug fuelled, garbled, rambling sham… no wonder the Christians rewrote it, it didn’t make any frickin sense!
Good night, and [drug-fuelled imaginary] God bless.